Dear me,
When I re-reading this, I hope it would be in a better situation. I would smile and think that I’m right, everything would be under control. I hope until that moment, I’ve got enough patience to stay.
Oh my poor dear me, I’m lost.
Lost in both meaning of the word; trapped and not winning.
You see, this guy I’ve fallen for is no longer pay attention to me. He’s just a total stranger now, and however I tried to take him back, he just wouldn’t. The problem is, I really want him back so bad.
And the other problem would be this girl, whom was also my dear friend, she get along well with my guy, too well until she is considered better enough to replace me. It’s just my thought tough, but the fact just can’t get enough proving that.
And the others, oh dear dear..
My friends keep telling that he’s not good enough, he doesn’t worth my tears and so on and so on. They keep slapping me to wake up and find a better way out.
Oh yes, break up.
Either I’m too afraid of losing him or I love him too much until I can barely say the word. I just don’t want this to end.
Any decision I make right now will decide what happen next to my life.
They said they don’t wanna see me crawling for love because even tough I’m standing tall with my chin up, there will be still love coming to me. Make sense, but still not good enough to make me stop.
They said kindness and dumbness come in a slightly same way.
Where is the strong girl we know, they asked. We miss your cheerful smile.
And you know what? They want the strong girl, let’s give them one.
I choose to stay.
It needs a really strong power and will, and a bit of lack-thinking perhaps.
So let’s just forget the tears, I’m standing still.
With some bonuses of smiles –despite of they are fake or not- and stubbornness and love.
Everything happens for a reason, I wanna believe that there is a reason for this.
In any story, the moral come out after the ending. so if there would be an ending, I wanna know what moral it would be. Let’s just follow the line for now.
I’m not saying that I wait in silent.
You know, there’s a saying “Patience is not the wait, it is the attitude while you are waiting” therefore I will keep my attitude. I will show him that I’m still the best for him, in any condition. I will be the same me, like the one he had when he was home.
For some people, patience has its limit since we’re human.
For me, since we’re human, we can make our own limits. And every time I thought of getting near my limit, I would change it become another start point.
As long as I can effort that, why should I stop being patient?
I’m still mad, tough. Still haven’t overcome it.
But I know there is nothing can be done with a hot head. So I’m trying not to think about it, about her. Those comparisons and check-her-page dailies will over.
The thing that is better done first is between me and my guy, what happens between them is better be their problem –although I have a little part, actually- and what happens between me and her will be done next.
It’s like going in a bus, you can’t go wherever you want to as you like. You have to follow the route. When here is done, there can be done too.
You know, I was thinking…
Why the hell I got very emotional?
At first, I think of this betrayal and lies and conflicts. But perhaps it’s not the actual reason.
I got really upset because I know I’ve lost at the first place. And however I tried to work on it, it seems that nothing changes.
There was a friend –whom perhaps knows this story too, from Felize’s version- slapping me with sharp words that I’m judging too much for myself.
No, I’m not saying that I’m giving up.
But there must be something I missed in this situation, since I only think about my sake. And the more I think about it, the less people I wanna hurt.
It hurts when I got heartache, but it hurts more when I make people’s hearts ache.
So my dear me,
I made my decision.
I will stay with myself as the strong girl. Trying to be the best girlfriend in the world, making him realizes that I deserve him the most. And for those, I will burden only myself. I don’t want to hurt anybody. I don’t wanna make more people got involved.
It’s been a month since his last love words. I miss it more than I ever imagine.
It was a month full of mistakes. Whoever made them, they kept hurting hearts.
I hope what I’m writing now will remind me on the other day, in case if suddenly I intend to kill her or something.
Please stop.
Don’t burden myself even more, with guilt.
They said my life is such a drama.
Oh well, whose life isn’t anyway?
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