Unsent E-mail part 1: for The Lover

I want to talk with you. I really need to talk with you. I feel desperate to.

The messengers and the social sites are always on. You were speaking with me, but you didn’t talk with me.

This distance suddenly feels so real, well it was real from the very beginning. But we both never felt that way before, didn’t we?

The time you told me that you had to move, far away from this city to work, I felt bad. Bad, but not awful. I knew it would be tough when someone I used to hug will be hundred miles away, so I feel bad for it. But I knew you, I trust you, I believed we could make it together. But perhaps I should’ve felt awful at the first place L

Am I not enough for you?

I know it was only about two months since we’ve been together. But this chemistry I have with you, it was compeletely different than the others, so that I was really sure about you. I have told you that, haven’t I? maybe a hundres times, just like you used to tell me how you got fall in love with me at the first place.

And that happened.

I remember we were arguing for something not really important. It was over, i though we got over it. But we actually didn’t, you didn’t think the same way. And to make it worse, i didn’t realize that you felt so.

I acted like nothing was wrong, busy with myself who was trying to fit with this long distance situation. That time you met Felize. I introduced her to you, she was one of my close friend. I thought she could show you the way in that stranger city you had been transferred to, or at least gave you phone numbers of food delivery service. I wish with knowing her, it would help you, and me.

I never thought a bit about getting jealous or suspicious to Felize, since I knew her-that time I thought so- that she’s not the kind of girl who would fall into random guy’s embrace. Oh perhaps I was too confident.

I still remember the date. May 7th it is, about a week ago, the day i suddenly felt like a compelete stranger in front of you. Like i mentioned before, we chat, we speak,but we didn’t actually talk. Your mind was travelling somewhere  I don’t know.

You know what makes me feel really special when I’m with you?

Because you always treat me like I am. There’s always extra portion for me. Like If you were telling stories, I would get to know what happened after the happy end. You always give me more. And many times I was the only one to know.

Everything you do, even the things you haven’t done yet, you will ask me at the first place. And for this one, I regret for giving you my permissions to move, I wish I said no and you’ll be staying here, and us won’t have any problems.

So how could I say that I felt as a total stranger? It’s simple.

Suddenly I lost all my authority rights you gave me before. Those special treatments, those only-one things, and most importatly...those kisses and love greetings.

I asked you once, what’s going on with you?

I remember you answered, I got a bit trouble here. I don’t want to worry you.

And I decided to trust you even more.

Which I just realize that it probably meant that I would be ready to cry, a lot.

I mentioned Felize before, didn’t I?

Well just like you said to me on a rainy night, why should I be jealous of her?

I thought exactly the same way, so I’m trying not to. And I told you That I don’t.

But here, I have to be honest. I’m as jealous as hell.

I mean, you did move to the same city with her, but it seems like you just move to her apartment! What’s with that ‘go luch with me again’ things? Are you alone in your new office until you have to go to her office just to have lunch together? Isn’t there anybody else? Are you freaking blind?

On early morning I had some chats with you –which felt like I was talking alone- and suddenly she popped up again in our conversation, you popped her up (again). And you know what? I got sick of talking about her. I know her already! Why must we talk about another girl when we’re talking alone? It was 4 am in the morning and you still having those fun-chats with her?

And after this Felize topic is done, you will be silent again –and I talk to myself again.

At one time I asked you, I couldn’t hold myself anymore. What’s going on between you and Felize?

A second after that, you grumped and grumped like I just ask what color your ass was. I would know what happen next; If I insist of asking, you will be mad, buat If I acted like ‘oh I understand..I will not ask you anything of her again’, my curiosity will haunt me and you will keep ignoring me.

With that situation, you ask me not to think anything strange?

I tell you, what you DID just make me think so.

Do you think I enjoy being tortured by my own thoughts?

At least say something!

You even don’t tell me that you love me anymore. And i’m too afraid to ask, too afraid thinking that you might answer the opposite from you used to tell me before.

It’s been a week, and I’m getting afraid of what I see everyday. Between you and Felize.

You told me that you want me not to think wildly about your relationship with her. I want you to act the way I can think that way.

Or just give me one silly tempting sentence.

I want to think that I am loved.

Silence is gold, they said. Perhaps it is.

In your case, it’s a gold dagger. And it stabbing me slowly.

But I decided to trust you, so I will, whatever it takes –I’m pretty sure it will take a lot.

If I could make wishes,

I wish I can turn back the time.

I wish I didn’t have to introduce her to you.

I wish you’re still the old you.

I wish we can talk, without ended fighting.

I wish I can really send this to your inbox...