Dear dearest,
First of all I need to tell you something very important, which I think you’ve forgotten for the entire two weeks.
I’m a girl. Which means I have a strong feelings.
But anyway, maybe it doesn’t need strong feelings anymore to realize it. It’s obvious. I can see it. I can see what you’re doing. I know.
Second thing I need to tell you is as important as the first. I am hurt.
I am left, abandoned, forgotten, dumped, betrayed, ignored, unloved. And hurt.
And I wonder why I still call you dear?
You treat me no longer as your dear, not even as a close person, you treat me like a stranger in your way.
I was trying not to think negative about your presence there, about your relationship with Felize, about your strange attitude to me. You said it once that you didn’t wanna worry me, since it’s for my sake, I too, try not to worry anything. I believe you.
I don’t wanna spy you, like asking my other friends in that city to observe you or what. I’m your lover, not your stalker. The difference about them both is that eventough in distance, lovers stay close in the heart by believing each other while a stalker never feels so close wherever they might be. At least I think so. But perhaps it’s a bad philosophy for me, at this very moment.
A friend of mine suddenly popped up this afternoon on my messenger. You don’t know him, but he knows you –of course, you would kill me if I didn’t admit myself as your girlfriend. And coincidentally, he’s in the same town as you now. When he greeted me, I don’t have any particular thoughts, I just greeted him back and we had a usual conversation. He heard about you moved there, I said ‘oh yes we gotta get used to this distance’ and some sort of things.
And our favorite subject came out again, Felize. I’m not saying that this friend of mine was trying to provoke me to have an argue with you –again- about Felize. He knows Felize as much as I do, and he didn’t have any suspection of her as much as I had not. He was just asking if I had a night out with my girlfriends last weekend, and I found him pretty surprised when I answered no. He thought you might be a bit lonely because I had a girls-nights out on weekends so that you asked Felize to accompany you, for a very nice date in one of famous place there.
You? Lonely? He was a good joker, you know.
I can offer you a swear, in the name of anything you want, that I never ever ask this guy to have an eye on you. If I could choose, I prefer have him said nothing than telling me such a painful fact in an innocent way. It tortures me more.
Don’t worry, I said to him that we’re doing fine. Difficult, but fine. He wouldn’t think of your ‘accompany time on weekend’ as something weird, not like what I just think. Thanks God it was just a messenger chat, I wouldn’t have to hide my dropping tears back then.
And once again, I repeat…If you really want me not to think of anything you called ‘wild and provoking-negative thoughts’ then you must act like you don’t make any ‘wild and provoking-negative thoughts’ provocations.
When I asked you about that ‘accompany night’ –honestly I wanted you just to lie and say ‘no. we were just going to have some nonsense-but-important discussions that I only could discuss with her alone, but nothing more. Just a nonsense-but-important discussions on weekend’- you turned out like a freak. I mean, you freaked out.
It’s just like you were being panic but you tried to keep it cool –and you failed- and you were trying hard to find excuses that you never planned to make before. Of course it turned out bad, it was terrible actually. Because at the end, I was the one being scolded. And when I come to think of it, it was so unfair!
Why is it always about me and my jealousy things? I wouldn’t be so jealous –I had never been so jealousy to you before, remember?- if you don’t do anything that bother so much. And hello? We’re a freakin’ couple, being jealous of your love partner is not a crime. What the heck is wrong with you?
Of course I couldn’t say those things when we were arguing. I was trying to be very careful with my word. I don’t want to offend you a bit. Oh what a fool of myself! I took care of your heart like it was diamonds fallen from the sky, even in such terrible times. And you know what’s worse? I can’t hold myself from obeying your words.
So in short you said enough, Felize had nothing to do with our relationship. And you were acting normal –yeah, right- and this foolish girl who only wants her boyfriend still with her, just keep nodding her head in front of the webcam, trying to hold back the tears.
You know what; I can see lies in your eyes.
And for bonus, I will tell you some little secrets.
Felize and I used to call ‘bon-bon’ to each other since we were in the same French class. It means ‘sweet’. At least that’s what I remember.
We have a lot of chat before, almost everyday, in any topic, with those bon-bon things. She was one of the people who congratulated me early when I started this relationship with you.
As for those, yes, I never feel that I shall be jealous to her. But also, I never ever think, even a glimpse, that she will be the one ruining everything.
And it doubles my heartache.
Since you became close with her –in any way I have to believe- she never greeted me again. Once I intentionally write on her social site, wishing I would hear a better version of this situation. But she just ignored me the way you did. I greeted her on the messenger, and we had only a short and flat conversation. Something is missing from her.
And I can see her updating statuses about being confused, need to find a way out, having a heart full of hesitations, and sort of that. Those are so fit to this situation between us three.
I don’t want to think that way, like you told me to. But these facts are almost unavoidable anymore. Should I pretending blind, deaf, and numb to have a safe role in you life?
Felize is a great girl, with a great look, and a great personality. I admit that. She is a dream girl.
And now she’s YOUR dream girl.
Damn, it hurts so much!
And overall, perhaps I know what’s wrong with you. I know why you’re closing your eyes and don’t see me at all.
Because for you, now, dreaming is much better than reality.
You’re running from me, from the reality that I’m the one you should be together with. Because you wanna dream, a lot.
And when I come to think of it, I become speechless, and sloppy.
If you wanna dream and never wake up, at least say goodbye.
At least give me a reason to cry.
No comments:
Post a Comment