You know what? I can’t hold it anymore.
I had been very patience. Much more patience than I ever imagined.
Upon your temperament emotion, unreasonable ignorance, terrible insensitivity, arbitrarily attitude, and egoism this far, I had never been complained. Oh, don’t forget your lies too.
But that doesn’t mean I accept being treated like that. Do you forget that I have a heart?
I cried a lot recently, but I cried the most reading your old messages. I miss my lover. I want you back so badly. How long will we stay like this? How long will I survive? I feel like I don’t wanna answer that.
I read Felize’s status which was about becoming a devil girl or something. And suddenly, all of the patience I’ve been working on vanished. I got really mad.
I said to her that we need to talk, talk about this love triangle. I don’t wanna play hide-and-seek anymore. I want the truth. I want her truth. And she just ignored me like she always does.
I got angrier more, frustrated and rejected. How can I not become more miserable than this?
I just wanna make things clear, in a good way. But why am I always being treated like a priceless trash? And to make it sounds even worse, by my own lover….and friend.
So how do I put this, I went out of control. Finally my emotions took over me.
I wrote a lot of sarcastic statuses, made a lot of bad jokes, and said a lot of terrible things toward Felize. I mean, she was my friend! How could she…
I am very disappointed in her. Much more disappointed than I can say.
Disappointments, frustrations, sadness, pain, worries, if they are mixed up, I guarantee you to have such a marvellous pleasure that you can never imagine. They covered up your heart until you can no longer feel any hurt. Only anger and more anger.
And in my case, tears.
You never want to talk about this. It’s never been a problem for you.
Of course! You’re the one being loved, by two girls. How can that be better?
We once talked on the phone and almost broke up. I mean, what kind of people who would say ‘let’s start this all over again. You, me and her, let’s all be friends. Make me fall in love again, and the rest will be fine’ with flat tune when his girlfriend is crying to death, begging for the continuation of the relationship because she’s just in love with him. Oh yes, that was you.
I kept repeating a question, do you want to stay? Do you want to hold on? Do you still want me?
But it felt like I was talking to a Goddamn wall.
Then when I finally gave up the one-way-conversation, threw my cell phone, and began crying again. You called me. And suddenly we talked like lovers again.
So which one should I believe?
The 70% evil you who were making me so miserable for weeks, suspected having an affair with my own friend –whom I myself, introduced her to you- and never ever care about me anymore.
Or the 30% better you who were trying to make everything feels better to me, appeared very seldom –and usually when I had already become a really stressed out girlfriend- but still…it’s a better version and I put a really big hope on it.
Then I said okay, I will make this 30% rise into 100% again and you’ll be mine again. Anyway this Felize doesn’t know you as well as I do, and I’m still your girlfriend, so I’m one step ahead.
Am I?
You know, I can’t barely think right now. I’m so messed up.
These betrayal things, which-one-is-the-lie things, disappointment things, and lonely feelings really messed my head up.
But one thing I still realize is that I love you, and I wanna hold on. I wanna fight this relationship as long as I can.
I miss it when you told me you would never leave me.
Because I’m alone now.
And I’m so lonely without you.
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