Unsent E-mail part 10: Apologies and Regrets

Hi,

It’s been almost a month since we had a contact. FYI, I changed my e-mail right after we broke up, I thought you would send me tons of e-mails begging me to make up. Well, I thought wrong. I made a wrong decision too. I checked my old e-mail this morning, and I found 4 heartbreaking e-mails and 1 angry e-mail from your bestfriend.

Patience, I’m really sorry. I was a big-bad bastard, just like Marine said.

Maybe I need to tell you how i felt that time too, since I’ve read about how you felt. The first time I knew Felize, I didn’t have any intentions. She helped me a lot in this new town, and we had some chats. You know, it began with normal chats, then friendly chats, we talked for hours, and everytime I told her to go to bed, she refused and told me that she still wanna chat, and so we did. And yeah, just as exact as you asked me before, we started to share, about the dark past and heartache we had before. I didn’t know how it happened, it just suddenly popped up in our conversation, then we talked about it for days, a lot of days.

You remember the problem I had before, I did have one and I don’t wanna worry you, that was true. But I need someone to talk, and so it was Felize. At first, I don’t intend to ignore you, I was just afraid if I had chat with you, I could have shown my worries about this problem, like I said before, I didn’t wanna worry you. But after a lot of chats with Felize, and very little chats with you, I felt kinda attracted to her. And the next thing I remember, I have already started flirting.

Perhaps because I wasn’t usual with this distance, and also the distance I’ve made between us, I need someone to hug physically. Felize became very important to me, and I was kinda forget about us. All I remember was how it felt holding her hands or seeing her smile, I didn’t know anymore how it felt with you. And yeah, that time I did ignore you. Remember when we talked on the phone early in a morning? I said that insane stuffs because I wanted you to say the break up part. But you held on, and I couldn’t help hearing you cry so bad. So I made another call and talked nicely again.

I was trapped in two choices, that time I hardly choose. I found Felize really attractive, and yeah, I probably fell in love with her, but I didn’t know whether she felt the same way. She did respond me, but it was still blur. And I guess I drown in my obsession to have her. But you, on the other hand, I could never doubt your love and patient. You’re the most gentle woman I’ve ever known, with all your attentions and caring.

Yeah, you might know when it happened. Frankly, I don’t want to lose you both.

But then you and Felize suddenly made a contact, I never thought of that. When she got angry at me and showered me with a lot of questions, I was cornered. But because of my obsession, I became blind –and pretty much idiot- and thought that you were the one causing this problem. Perhaps my pride was too high to confess that I was ashamed. And I put all the blame on you. The next thing I did, I’m sure you know.

I know, I’m such an idiot to realize it just by now. I’m sorry, once again.

So how should I put this, I was really-really wrong.

I continued my relationship with Felize right after we broke up. I thought she was worth it, you know, to sacrifice our relationship for her. But she probably lost her faith in me, she became a lot more suspicious, even for a very small thing. She made me promised about this and that, to do and not to do. I thought with this monogamy I’ve settled, with only her in my embrace, we would do good.

Well, we didn’t.

I don’t know exactly how it started, but we had a lot of argues. We argued everyday. From the very simple thing like her cellphone or wher I had been on weekend, we always fought over those. Everytime I shouted at her, she shouted at me in a higher tune. And those argues didn’t exactly ended, we stopped because we were tired of arguing, not because they were solved. And on the nextday, when we argue again, the thing we argued before popped up again.

I can’t stand of that kinda relationship. Everytime I ask her to understand, she yelled back and told me that it should be me, the one who should understand. I knew I had been a very bad guy before, but she even didn’t wanna give me a chance to fix it, and what was strange is, she didn’t walk away either. So it seemed like we made up just to argue more.

To tell the truth, everytime I argued with her, I remember you. We argued too before, but it seemed like we never argued this hard –except the last one, when Felize came between us. I unintentionally told her, if it were you, the problem won’t be this complicated, you never pops up past problems. And she just got angrier. Then I don’t know why, you always came in our argues.

Shortly, I broke up with her. Well, not exactly broke up, since our relationship hasn’t been official yet –can you imagine? It hasn’t and we fought everyday already- but yeah, we separate.

I know this would sound very awkward and selfish, but I still love you.

I mean, I was blind with all the situations. The problems, distance, our distance, Felize came, attractive, we’re far, etc. But now that I have cleared my mind and think of all that happened again, despite of realizing how stupid and jerk I was, I know that you’re the one I really fall in love with.

I would considered as super selfish if I ask you to make up again, but I really want to.

Will you give ma a second chance? Please?

I can’t give you sweet words –you know I’m not good at that- yet I already leave a big scar on your heart. Perhaps you too, have lost your faith in me. but I just want you to know, that I know, no one could ever be compared to you.

And perhaps I write this e-mail now is too, because I don’t have enough guts to say that I’m the one making you suffer.

Back then, when I was still a jerk, you told me that you love me more than I could ever imagine. I couldn’t imagine it, but I can see it clearly now. No imagination, your love is real. And i want it back.

I’m sorry it took me so long to realize, and I’m sorry it has to hurt you a lot.

I hope you could, at least forgive me.

And thank you for trusting me, evetough actually I didn’t worth it. Thank you for keep loving and having faith on the hard times.

Let me love and have faith on you too, on today to forever.

Let me pay all the time we lost.

I’ll be waiting on the messenger tonight.

With love –Gray.